I’ll see you later

As I lay here thoughts of last night continuously run through my mind. How I missed your laugh, your smile, your smell, how comfortable I can be in my own skin. How I can tell you anything, I mean anything and you’ll listen. Praise me for the good, remind me things will be ok in the bad. I missed your touch, your kiss, your words as I lost myself in the moment of bliss. I missed you. The words are stuck in my mind ….. “Be good and I’ll see you later” I’m not sure when I’ll get to see you again. Hopefully soon. Very soon.

Yay!!

I get to see you this Wednesday!!! I’m so excited!!!! Being able to talk to you was just what I needed. My life is a wreck. I have to prepare myself tho….. I’m not sure if this will be the only time or we will start up again. At the moment I’m happy I just get to see you.

Seems like it’s been months since I last posted…. Here I was thinking I was doing so well. I miss you so fucking much. & the thought if you not even caring makes it hurt that much more. I keep pushing it down, pushing it away…. Some how it always pushes back. I love you but you don’t love me…. have to keep reminding myself. Is it Monday yet? I just want to sleep. Tomorrow makes 6 days straight I’ve worked. I’m exhausted. Physically, emotionally and mentally. Have to keep pushing ….. Have to make it through. Have to keep the smile on my face and not let anyone know just how much I hurt. I know this will end, I just wish it was now and not later.

I miss you so much. Haven’t cried since that one day but thoughts of you continuously fill my head. My heart hurts and I long to talk to you, hear your voice, and feel your touch. I’ve dreamt of you a few times already. She is always there though. I don’t want this feeling of longing anymore. Of the hurt, I don’t want the memories or to still feel this love I have for you.

I am doing better in coping with this…I keep replaying our conversations and our meetings in my head. How can this be over? I was planning be here for as long as I could be. I miss you so much. I had to come home from work today, I’m so sick. My face is swollen and I’m throwing up everything. I just want to sleep and forget it all. I’m so upset with myself for allowing this to affect me this way, this much, but I have never opened up as much as I did with you. Not even my ex of 10 years. I keep hoping that this is just another one of our temporary breaks since things are so “perfect” with her right now. But it seems like you’re serious in not wanting to meet me or really talk to me. You have been your sweet same self and told me that this isn’t the end of the world I’ll get through which makes me even more mad and love you more. I never had the support and encouragement you’ve given me from anyone. In my eyes you are exactly what I would want in a man. I was willing to be the other woman. Something I told myself I wouldn’t ever do. I feel so crazy. I am crazy. I am proud at myself though for not being as broken as with my ex. I am torn and I hurt so much but I know I have to keep going. Maybe sometime down the road you’ll show up again….. Maybe.

I can’t stop crying. It has hit me…. & I feel so used and stupid. I loved you…. & even though I hurt so much I still love you.
I hate myself.

Numb……

I cried that night we ended it. .. but only for a little while.  I’ve been trying to feel something, anything but can’t seem to. Do I want to? ??
I think I can feel the missing you already,  as you’ve crossed my mind several times but I’m not sure. I kept telling myself I’ll never love again,  I don’t want to. You were the only one who saw all of me. … and will be the only one. 
My friend told me today she is pregnant. It’s a blessing seeing she was told she couldn’t have kids. I’m happy for her….. I think. I can’t feel! !!  Her so called husband is an ass hole tho and she is well, has been trying to get the courage to leave him. She called me today and was crying saying she didn’t understand why bad things happen to good people. I didn’t know what to say…… what does one say? 

Letting go is so hard

We finally talked last night…. For an hour. We both came to decision we need to end it. At first you weren’t too sure so I tried to reassure you, but as soon as you brought your son up I knew we couldn’t do this anymore. I have blocked your numbers and taken you off my social sites. Deactivated fb….. I cried a little and yes it hurts but like I told you, I will never allow another man to break me again. You won’t break me. You just stayed quiet. I’m going to miss you like fucking crazy, but I know this is for the best. I love you so much CRM, you will never know.

Not so good day

It was a terrible morning. I have to be nosey and snoop on your pages….. pictures of you both from last nights celebration of Fathers  Day flood my screen as I tap your name to view your & her page. For the first time in a while tears well up in my eyes and all I can think is how happy you must be…..without me. I keep trying to convince myself I was nothing to you and you used me despite the fact you said you would never do that. Most of the morning I was fighting the urge to cry and fall apart. I kept remembering what I had written, how I had felt the pain surge through my whole body and it felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest….. how I wanted to die. Never again I told myself, never again. I finally was able to push the feelings down and the pain subsided ….. I kept thinking of working out and how I wanted to look better. I miss you so much amor…..and yet again the emotions are rising as I try to continue to push them down. As I was walking to go to the sauna after my workout a gentleman walked past and he had your cologne….. I didn’t allow myself to think too much and kept walking. This isn’t fair!!!!!! I want to understand and I cant!!! I love you and I shouldnt!!!! I don’t want to. It’s almost that time of month so my emotions are going even more crazy. It’s double work to push them down. I can’t talk to anyone because no one understands, no one cares. How can I not care too?? Have to keep my mindset, Never Again will I loose myself. I cant. Why is my tablet not auto correcting my cants? Random question lol.
Work ducks since i have to work weekends now. Sundays are extremely boring. I’ve been searching again for something else. Something more challenging and worth it. I want my own house like yesterday. Living with my sister and her boyfriend is not the best. They are kind of touchy Feely sometimes and it’s uncomfortable for me. I don’t remember what that’s like. So i don’t want to be around it and remember what it is to feel that knowing i have no one. Time to get my babies and head for bed. Sigh…..